I’m going to do a lame self-help exercise. We already know what I’m losing:
my husband, my best friend, my lover, etc., etc., blahblahblahwhinewhinewhine
a bunch of money now and forever
my house (eventually)
time with my monkeyface
Now, I’m going to force myself to make a list of what I have. I haven’t lost everything. Here’s what I haven’t lost:
my daughter (and she, right there, is the universe)
my cats (I have to remember that…I have my precious little monkeys)
my job (suck it, Cuomo)
(hopefully) my voice
the comfort of my home, at least while this is new
not for nothing, but my engagement ring. It’s so beautiful. I’m just wearing it on my right hand now so I don’t look too pathetic.
Here is some good that has already come out of this:
– Hey, at least he waited until she was 2, and single parenting became less impossible! I’m half-joking, but not really. Infancy was brutal. I’m SO glad it’s over.
– I found that I can still be a decent parent under even the worst circumstances. I think that may mark the end of my insane questioning of myself as a mom.
– I found out that I’m capable of more, period. I need less sleep, and I can do much more than I thought I could do. I can leave H with a babysitter/daddy and go out, and it’s okay. I can go out separate from her, or even from my husband, and have fun.
– I was actually able to look at and own the role I played in this, and the world didn’t implode.
– My voice may end up better than it was a year ago.
– I’m actually closer than I’ve ever been to my family. Like, I’m being very honest with my mom without fear that I’ll regret it later. And I talk to my brother and sister (who have major things over their own, but always make time for me) ALL DAY EVERY DAY, and it’s awesome.
– I have FRIENDS. He was almost my entire support system, and it’s gone now, but instead of crumbling, I reached out, and people that I figured just thought of me as an acquaintance are showing me so much love. I feel like an idiot having all these wonderful people around me and whining that I didn’t have any friends. I have friends, and they’re incredible people.
I wish I could go back and re-do things, knowing what I know now. I can’t, but I still have what I have.