I was just thinking yesterday about how much I dreaded the moment of lucidity after waking up from a dream in which we were still together. Last night, I dreamt (and remembered it) for the first time since he left. If I were to narrate the dream, it would sound upsetting, but the feeling I was left with was peaceful. The dream had him all mixed up with a former student of mine who is now in jail (I found out about this a few months ago, and it really shook me. I’m not surprised he’s in my subconscious). But there was affection and contact and warmth.
Yesterday morning, my daughter woke up crying for Daddy. I brought her downstairs and offered her a “baba”–usually the first thing on her mind in the morning; she said she didn’t want the baba. I ended up calling him and asking him to do video chat with her, and it worked well. Last night, I asked him how he wanted me to handle things like this going forward, and he said he didn’t know. My immediate thought was, “ASS,” but on the other hand, she’s going to have to get used to not seeing him every day (and vice versa).
This morning, as we were in bed talking, she asked if Daddy was downstairs. I used the old “Daddy’s at work.” She said, “I wanna call him. I wanna talk to Daddy on ‘puter.” I was like Uh-oh…what have I started with the bandaid-fix I came up with yesterday? I told her that Daddy didn’t have his computer with him, but she could talk to him later, and it went over okay.
I’m not sure whether or not to tell him about this. With everything I do, I’m torn, because it could be interpreted as trying to keep a connection to him. On the other hand, I would want to know. On the other other hand, they both have to get used to not seeing each other, and this was his choice. I guess I’ll save it for that psychologist who specializes in co-parenting unless he asks about it.