Thursday night bowls

So I went to a group “Tibetan singing bowls” thing tonight; I thought it would help with my nerves about having surgery tomorrow (nothing major, but I’m so afraid of anesthesia, blah blah blah).  No gongs tonight, but it was great.  It’s 50 miles away, so on the way out I listened to “Sea Change” and some of “From The Choirgirl Hotel” (which seems like a bad idea, but I actually thought it helped get out some of the sad associations I have with surgery (D&Cs for miscarriages, and then a premature C-section).  I actually did some crying for my first miscarriage, and that’s okay.

I’m still so shy and socially awkward.  Two women there who were a little older than me immediately bonded and started talking, and I sat there quietly wishing they’d include me.  I know from the Meetup page that the one is separated, but I didn’t want to just say “Hey, you’re separated?  Me too! Let’s be friends.”  But I did talk to the healer and her boyfriend (both so sweet), and afterwards, the separated woman was asking what the gong sound bath was like, and I told her it was like being on a good trip without the drugs, and I assured her that it wasn’t scary, you just give in and ride it.

I didn’t feel/see (it was kind of both senses, but also kind of neither) any “blockages” like I did with the private session, but I had a little more trouble getting out of my head tonight.  Very early on, I felt my eye pillow get hot and wet, and I realized I was crying.  I wasn’t too in my head to not be able to relax though.  I felt like garbage all day today; I was very tired and kind of nauseous, and it felt almost exactly how I felt before 16 weeks when I was pregnant.  I feel MUCH better now.  I actually feel like I got sleep there, but it was just meditation.  I have never been able to stay with just guided meditation (I tried it to sleep when I was pregnant), and I’m especially terrible at yoga (can’t get out of my head, can’t get my mind off the pain, I don’t care what anyone else says)…but apparently if you add enough sound to rattle my skull, I can do it.

It seems like a big “duh,” but I’ve always been a visual learner, not an aural one.  I was always kind of ashamed of that:  I’m a musician, so I’m supposed to be an aural learner.

On the way home, I listened to “Two Suns,” and I sung and sung and sung.

Now I’m all wired and wide awake even though I took Xanax.  I also feel a little funky in my throat, as if perhaps I overdid it. But if I’m going to sing non-classical music, Bat for Lashes really isn’t a bad choice at all.  I should record myself to make sure my thinking that I don’t sound like an idiot singing some of those songs isn’t delusional.

My surgery tomorrow is a hysteroscopy to remove some polyps that were causing all kinds of annoying bleeding and a D&C because of a thickened lining.  I’m really wondering if I need either.  The former is so I won’t miscarry when I don’t get pregnant by my non-existent partner, and the latter is so I’ll stop all the bleeding that has been non-existent since June.  Like, sorry to get too graphic, but there’s been nothing.

Ugh, yeah, why am I even doing this?  Dr. M thinks the only reason I’m not getting a period is because of my weight (which is on the way back up thanks to my CO trip and a much-improved appetite over the last week or so), so I guess that the craziness could start up again once my weight is normal…but I’m always skeptical of that because I still got a period when throughout my treatment for anorexia.  He said something about it being a combination of the pill (which I’m staying on just because I like it) and the low body fat.  Either way, I think I’m on my way back up to a safe weight.

Arrrgh why did I even think of that?…I could be having pointless surgery tomorrow.   I was so focused on getting it over before the school year and doing it without any help from my former “anchor” that it didn’t even occur to me that I may not even need it.

I have 9 more minutes to eat tonight.

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