I don’t know if “the one” exists. I don’t know if “many ones” exist. I don’t know if true love exists. But after a while (or even as soon as I kiss someone), I’ll get a feeling that he isn’t the one. That doesn’t mean he’s a waste of time–it just means that I know it’s not going to last all that long, and that’s okay.
I hate feeling sheepish when I tell guys I don’t do NSA or FWB. I think it’s a decidedly uncool thing to be upfront about, so I kind of use it as a way to try to drive away the real assholes.** It’s not a lie…I mean, they don’t suit me. I don’t want to sleep with someone unless I find them attractive, smart, and clever, and I have to enjoy talking to him. Just “attractive” isn’t even close to making me want a guy. So I already have to be drawn to him as a person, to want to spend time with him. Let’s say we sleep together. If it’s no good, it was kind of a waste of time. If it’s good, I’ll want more…and I already like spending time with the guy. The more time I spend with him, the more I attach. That’s not unnatural. I blame the oxytocin, but I shouldn’t have to blame anything; it makes perfect sense.
FWB is bullshit. That’s not friends. I actually think there’s a connection there to sexism, but I may be too lazy today to articulate it. Something about reinforcing the idea that everything exists for heterosexual male pleasure. I did this once before with someone I had dated (and been dumped by), and it honestly did work nicely for a while. I think it’s because there already was a trust there, and I had a full grip on the fact that he wasn’t the one. But when it did fall apart (after he slept with one of my best friends), it did hurt.
It’s normal to bond with someone from sex. It’s normal to prefer that they spend time having sex with you over having sex with someone else.
But I feel like that puts a red flag on me to say that. I think you’re supposed to be more mysterious about it, let them think that you might be okay with it.
Maybe I should be grateful that I have a way to significantly narrow the dating pool, because I don’t have all that much free time. I just sort of live in fear of blowing off someone who should be in my life, even for a few months or whatever. Or, even worse, if soul mates exist, I’d hate to rule that guy out.
There’s definitely less of a stigma for men who cast that net far and wide.
I have a lot of young guys that seem to show interest in me, and I don’t get it. Part of me suspects that there are myths going around about older women (in bed) that creates that interest. But I pretty much assume that anyone in his 20s (possibly early 30s) is looking for NSA/FWB, so I rule them out. Maybe that’s a myth; I have no way of testing out this suspicion other than to go out with a bunch of them.
I think people make too big a deal out of “relationships.” I guess if you’ve never been married, being with just one person seems like a big commitment.
For me, monogamy isn’t such a big deal. Maybe it’s because I and my cohorts are desperate for neither marriage nor children, because we’ve probably already done both. Having a boyfriend really isn’t that big a deal. It just means you’re not sleeping with anyone else until a phone call or a talk. That’s it. I mean, there are very unpleasant emotions involved for a while. Still: compared to a divorce, that’s not that much of a commitment.
But I’m still not supposed to acknowledge that, yes, a boyfriend would be great because monogamy suits me. I assumed when I started dating that the label “desperate” would never apply to me because I’m not looking for a husband or kids. I figured that as long as I’m not trying to ask for monogamy after just a few dates, that’s a reasonable eventual goal. I’m not sure I’m right, but I also don’t think I’m devious enough to read up on advice on how to trick a guy into a relationship. So here I sit, snuggling my cat, and wondering why hot sex AND monogamy within the same relationship are too much to ask.
** Found out this week that for some men, telling them you’re not easy is like throwing chum to a shark. They’ll try twice as hard. If I were actually easy and just out for sex, that would TOTALLY be my M.O., but I’m not, so it’s a lesson learned.