Rich history of somatization

I think I’m having problems with anxiety. I’m getting physical symptoms, but I don’t think anything is physically wrong with me apart from the effects of alcohol and insomnia. (I haven’t had anything but a glass of wine since Wednesday night, but it’s like I get a hangover 24 hours after drinking, so I was all gross Thursday night).  I start the day hungry usually, but by the end of the day I’m too nauseated to eat…even the day after taking Seroquel to sleep (which usually makes me binge on carbs).  I’m really tired, but I’m having a horrible time sleeping.  Friday night, I took Seroquel, and I fell asleep soon after my daughter finally relented at 10 pm, but I almost immediately had a very graphic and disturbing dream involving my phobia…so I woke up and had trouble going back to sleep.  Then she had  me up three more times to read her story to her….and woke up for the day at 6 am.

I had a babysitter coming so I could go to the gym right after her dance class, but I was too nauseated to do squats (which I NEVER skip).  It may have been a little orthostatic hypotension from the Seroquel.

I spent the day with friends from college–one who I hadn’t seen in 15 years–and it was lovely.  It’s weird how much I remember from college.  There were so many little stories (even things I wasn’t actually present for…just that had been reported to me, like the time R was singing songs from Grease in her sleep) I recalled that they didn’t without a lot of prompting. The one friend had driven up from Delaware, but I have no idea why I only see the other one at the conference we attend every election day.

I had brought my daughter with me to play with my friend’s daughter, and she certainly had a better time there than she would have had at home with my tired and moody ass.  My ex lives 10 minutes away from my friend’s house, so he picked her up there.  She wanted me to come out to dinner with him, but I declined because I was too nauseous to eat.  I didn’t even want to be around food, but I also didn’t want her to see me NOT eating at a restaurant since she doesn’t eat enough herself. I felt like a terrible mom with her trying to get me to come and me turning her down; I was afraid my friends thought it was because I was too anxious to go out and choosing that over my daughter, but I didn’t want to make a huge thing out of not wanting to eat.

I called him on the way home, and she was fine.  She’s still kind of in an “I want my mommy” phase after being sick.  She says “I miss daddy, but I don’t want to see daddy.  I just want mommy” all the time.  That’ll pass.

My plans ended up getting cancelled, which is a bummer, but it’s probably for the best. I haven’t stayed in alone on a Saturday night since….maybe since I moved here?  Even if I was home, I’d be watching a movie along with my exbf while on the phone with him, so it was still like having an obligation or whatever.   I felt too lazy to drive the 40 minutes back to my friend’s house, so I stayed in and watched The Lunchbox…well, half of it, because I passed out from 9:30-6:30.  I don’t know when I last slept that much straight through.  Normal people do that.  I feel extremely exhausted today, too…the gym was hard…but maybe tomorrow it’ll be better.

Mostly something just feels “not right” with me, and I don’t know what it is.  I say that it’ll pass once the busy work stuff is over (Wednesday), but I’m afraid that it won’t.

I hate that I’m totally somatizing, too.  Gross.

In sum: complaining and mommy guilt.


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