If I’m going to whine, I’ve decided that I need to do it neatly, with more structure.
I have barely talked to anyone in my family (of origin) in weeks. My mom keeps dropping hints about calling, but I never think of it when I’m able to talk on the phone. Then she emails me and I feel bad. I read the email at work, and intend to respond later, but it doesn’t happen…then, I feel worse. I tend to withdraw from them when I’m blue or anxious because I have a thing about not worrying them.
My dyad (triad, if you count felines) family is doing very well. My daughter seems to be acquiring new skills daily, and she’s happy.
I think she’s going to be a talented artist if that’s where her interest stays, and I find that absolutely fascinating.
She is a wondrous thing. I told a coworker today that she’s teaching me. i’m so frightened and worried about hurting others’ feelings that it’s actually kind of a lesson for me to hear blunt honesty without a trace of bad intentions or bitterness.
I don’t think I should stay withdrawn like this. I think it’s making me worse.
One college girlfriend is coming up this weekend and staying with another; I’m spending the afternoon/evening with them tomorrow. I had built this up so much in my mind because I have so little “girl time.” Also, when we did this in January I was completely preoccupied, and I regret not really being present. I’m actually nervous about it. Nervousness about this crowd is a sure sign that isolation isn’t improving my social anxiety.
There are a couple social things with work people coming up. Next Friday, there’s a bowling thing from 4:00-6:00. My daughter is going to her dad’s that night, so I can go (although I don’t think I could get there until 5:00, but maybe people are going to get dinner afterwards). Apparently they’re looking into having our next union meeting out–and that’s a night her dad is at least visiting her–so that is likely to become a social thing.
I don’t even know how one “tries” to make friends–but I am trying to practice making normal small talk without cornering anyone who makes eye contact with me. There’s always something to ask someone.
One of my girlfriends is having a cancer scare (I mean, the odds are overwhelmingly in favor of everything being fine…but I’m not sure that would count for ANYTHING if I were the one going through it). This week, she got one step closer to this episode being over–the biopsy was normal. Now they just have to do an MRI to make sure that the place they biopsied was the spot that showed up with a mass originally.
Despite her situation, she checked in on me this week. She said she could see a change in me. I can’t handle my family checking in on me, because I don’t like adding to their worries, but when a friend does, it means so much to me.
I do feel loved. However…
I asked M the other day if there was anyone else in the picture. The right question wouldn’t have had the word “else” in it.
I was going to actually call him the other night. That’s a big deal for me, because it takes me a long time to want to talk on the phone with someone. He was out, so I suggested Wednesday. I have to go to bed so early for work, I didn’t hear much from him that night, and soon it was bedtime.
During a lunchtime conversation on Thursday, my girlfriend reminded me that “[M] has made it PERFECTLY clear that you two aren’t together in any way.” At first, I sort of pushed back by saying that he likes me, and she said, “Has he kissed you in the last month?” Then I shut up. The part of me that is feisty/hopelessly in love with myself must have blinded me to the signals that he’s no longer into me, but she’s right.
Good for me for having some feistiness to balance out the self-deprecation, though?
And good for me for being less phone phobic?
Also on the bright side: I’ve seen him doing more things that make him happy in the last week (one thing was a friend obligation, but one was a show for one of his favorite bands, and the other is the opening game for one of his teams). I don’t want to oversimplify: he’s not really feeling better. I have no idea what it’s like to feel so crappy that I have to either miss out or drag myself to do things that I enjoy, but I think in each case he’s glad he did it. I’m glad he’s managing to not miss out.
I feel well physically, but I’ve lost the little bit of progress I made last week in terms of needing less substances in order to sleep.
However, I seem to have more enthusiasm for the gym. I have added only a tiny bit of weight to some exercises, but it looks like I’m getting in four workouts this week.
Work is good. I have one two groups of older kids, and one of them is nuts. I’m starting to crack down (a month too late, but maybe there’s hope). I’m having trouble connecting with the bigger groups of younger kids–just like last year, so I have to look at myself.
I’m very lucky to like my job. I’m even luckier that it’s making music.
That said, this week was LONG, and I’m glad i have a three-day weekend.
Next week is the day of remembrance for women who’ve had a miscarriage or stillbirth. It’s not that big of an event for me–I’ll probably skip the candle lighting and make a donation to Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep, because having a healthy daughter did eventually heal most of the pain. However, I didn’t try to stop myself from being sad about it today when I remembered that October 15 was the due date for my second pregnancy.
In more positive news:
I’ve been listening to some new/old music–specifically, the new Chvrches album, old Stars stuff, and all of Geographer. (The last one is the sonic version of my moods lately, so I make sure I take breaks and listen to other things).
The Mets are in the playoffs starting tonight, and I’m also going to try hockey after my daughter goes to bed since the Islanders start tonight. If nothing else, having some awareness of something sports-related has given me a new way to connect with my students. But this really was a great time to try to take it up, and it’s expanding my horizons significantly, so I hope it sticks.
Overall, I’m doing okay. It feels like needing to be “on” to teach and parent uses up some sort of emotional energy, but I’m not putting on an act. I’m genuinely happy when I’m engaged. However, the sadness is still there, so when I’m not doing those things, I tend to be pretty down. It’ll be interesting to see how I experience my girls’ day tomorrow.