I don’t know that the post I want to write to get things out will ever get written in full, so I’m breaking it into four topics and telling it backwards. Two of the four things are mostly positive.
Yes, those will probably be the shorter posts.
Things may soon be improving for my one close friend (personal life stuff, extremely stressful, but I think things are changing for the better overall).
One of my other best friends got excellent health-related news today, and it’s reason to celebrate. I hope to treat both of them to lunch on Thursday.
I’m productive at work. There are lots of mindless, concrete things to do that don’t require much energy (arranging songs, grading papers, etc.) but feel satisfying to finish, and I’ve been focusing on those.
I saw my therapist Saturday, and she gave me a lot of positive feedback regarding two things: (1) my efforts to find ways to isolate less and engage with others in ways that may lead to finding more girlfriends, and (2) my overall way of dealing with my divorce, my ex, and his fiancee (who was “the other woman”–or, as she calls her, “Babs.” She apparently refers to every mistress referenced in her office as Babs. I think that’s hilarious).
I’ve been down, obviously. I think it may be a little bit of a crash/burnout after months and months of worsening anxiety. I’m also right at the end of a pill pack, which basically gives me PMS each month even though I don’t get a period. I also was dealt a tough blow on Saturday (AFTER therapy, of course). Last night, however, I received unexpected kindness that allowed me to feel okay for several hours.
I was in bed crying when I got a text from a girlfriend from college. (She had been up visiting a couple weeks ago, but we didn’t really text all that much). She said pretty much exactly what I needed to hear. She said that we didn’t really get to talk because the kids were around, and she suggested we talk on the phone this week. And then she said a bunch of encouraging things about the future being better for me even though she had no way of knowing how low I felt.
I don’t feel so unloved that I can’t intellectualize myself out of it, but I have been feeling alone and that I am driving away everyone who cares about me any time I speak (or type). But she made me feel completely safe in that moment, and it allowed me to put things aside for 6 hours so I could sleep. And now, I’m holding onto it.