A friend sent this to me today.
I did it again. I have to stop seeking out these situations in which I am more invested, and I keep getting these little microabandonments.
I’m hurting, and I feel used. Sometimes I think all that I’m useful for is to boost someone’s ego, but this is eroding my self esteem. If I care about someone for whom I’m not enough, that’s not a sin on his part…but I need to show myself enough self respect to not just stay in it and be hurt over and over. It’s not healthy.
I’m sick of not being able to read minds, of not knowing what’s going on, of crying. I’ll never be able to read minds, but this is what is going on.
It’s not how often we see each other, it’s that I never know if/when it’s happening until last minute. Much more importantly, it doesn’t seem to make a difference to him whether or not he sees me. He’s not wronging me by not missing me, but I like him much more than that. I would never think I was doing someone a favor by continuing to see them for months on end when I knew that they were nuts about me, but I was only lukewarm. And if that’s all he has to give (to me, anyway), I have to disentangle myself for my own sake. It’s not a matter of me fearing being hurt…I am being hurt. I’ve known him for nine months now. If he was going to be my boyfriend, he’d be my boyfriend. I tried, but I can’t be happy in an ambiguous relationship. It hurts too much. I tried to tell myself that he really does like me, it’s because of this circumstance or that, but I’m sick of crying about it.
He’s been in this area for like two weeks now and hasn’t seen me. But what really matters to me is that it doesn’t seem to make a difference to him. I asked to see him last night, and he said he wasn’t feeling it, but he went around with friends a bit. I’m sick of making excuses to myself to convince myself that he cares about me in absence of even hearing that from him.
I guess the last piece I could ignore was remembering that his best friend is getting married this month. I’m not his +1.
I haven’t befriended his friends. I haven’t met any of them.
It’s my own fault for going along with it. It always is.