Placebo effect

I’m having a bad day. On paper, my day was busy but good. I got a gloriously good night of sleep last night.  I went to work and worked. I got myself to the gym.

I don’t feel well, though. It was hard to motivate myself to do work. I felt less engaged, more self-conscious.

I felt more ashamed than I had of my avoidance of unpleasant things.  It was enough to get me to make my cat’s checkup appointment–which I’d normally do last week while I was on vacation, but she’s 13 years old, and I’m afraid of what they’ll find.

My niece got out of the hospital today, which is obviously great, but I have a feeling of dread thinking about the fact that the doctors don’t know what’s wrong, don’t know why her body temperature was 91 again.  I didn’t even talk to my sister directly during this hospital stay; I just got information from my mom.

I found myself thinking that, if my cat dies, I’m going to realize that I didn’t really know her, that I never gave her the “special bond” that I had with the cat that I lost in 2014.  What does that even mean?

I really didn’t want to go to the gym.  Even once I was there, I wanted to leave.

And I’m bothered by the usual things upon which I ruminate and hope for reassurance, only this time I’m realizing that my conscious thoughts and feelings were solidly on the “optimistic” end of the continuum 48 hours ago, and now I’m insecure and raw.

I forgot to take my Lexapro this morning.  Could this be why?

I feel physically and emotionally depressed; I feel cognitively anxious and thin-skinned. Lexapro has a half-life of 27-32 hours, so I don’t think that missing one pill should result in feeling so shitty.

If that is what it is, taking it tomorrow morning should make me feel better…but then I have to add “forgetting to take my pill” to my worries, and I feel less optimistic about the thought of ever not being on it.

If that’s not what it is, then who knows whether I’ll feel the same tomorrow, the next day, the next day, etc.

It could just be a bad day. Taking the medicine tomorrow morning could help (even just as a placebo).  But I feel vaguely hopeless about many things, and now the optimistic thought process I seemed to start learning over the last few months has gone missing, and I’m afraid to dismiss my fear that the way I’m feeling is me picking up on something in my life changing for the worse.



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