Oh I was a deer in the lights / I was lost in the waves

I think I got it all out Saturday, but I think I kind of fear having leftover feelings to discharge or memories hanging out or things that I’m still making sense of once it’s past the point at which others are comfortable with me having them.

I think I’m already past that point, though. I think people who haven’t been through it probably just view it as a normal part of life. It is, but it’s also the worst thing that’s happened to me.  If I could impose a deadline on hurting and making sense of it, I’d have made it much earlier. I’d love to be done.

Today would have been my 14th anniversary.

My daughter and I were invited to my ex’s grandmother’s house.  I’ve complained at length about how one of the things I’m still struggling with is the loss of my local “family,” so I was happy for the invite (even though it feels a little weird to spend what was my anniversary with his family). We went out to lunch, and then to the pool. I think it took me a while to “warm up,” so I probably had my usual “appears to be sulking” demeanor. I rallied, though, and I had a great time. When we said goodbye, I did my usual “thank you for inviting us,” but didn’t stop myself from adding “I’ve missed you.”

I had a rocky history with his family–well, with the women in his family (grandmother, mom, and sister). I’ve been hurt a lot by things they’ve said and done…but I also got really uptight and didn’t let things go. I wouldn’t have thought that I’d let my guard down enough to say something affectionate, even though it meant a lot that she thought to call me and invite us.

I know, it was mainly to see my daughter…but that’s good, too. I don’t have family here, but she does.

I realized that the first picture I have of my ex and I was taken at his grandmother’s house, at the pool. It was the first time I took the train to visit him, in August of 1994. I don’t usually do pictures–especially not of faces–but this was so long ago. Not much about us is recognizable anymore. I think it’s less weird and sad than posting a picture from our wedding.

I wasn’t sad today.

1994

One of these nights
One of these days
I will love again

 

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